That Was Then, This Is Blaow
Joiner Says Ta-Daow
By S.E. Pimpsunn
Let's do it
-Tone Loc, Wild Thing
Lets call it a do-over.
After a sparsely played and mostly forgettable 2006 season, the FHSS started fresh for the 07 with an encouraging turnout of eleven of our favorite athletes/role models. With Edgar off somewheres else (his stoop? Mermaids? Company resort? Hot new mamacita? Bed?), the traditional Opening Day Finals rematch was eschewed in favor of another tradition, the Bryan/Biz matchup. On the downside, the 5-inning game with a pitchers option for 7 appears to be on its way to becoming a new tradition, much to the displeasure of the rubber-armed Bizman. Bryan, however, approved, and as is his wont, took some drugs.
The 2006 champ, presented with his (cough)hard-earned Cup(cough) before the game, looked to be sending a message by striking out Biz to lead off the game. However, a mammoth two-run shotsky off the bat of a triumphantly returning John Maier later in the inning- followed by a three-run shot in the second that may have landed at Gracie Mansion- put Bryman in a quick 5-0 hole.
Showing no hints of championship form through six, he relied on the maddening consistency of Ryan, the timely hitting of The Mayor, the patience of Aram, and Biz wildness to pull within 7-4 after six. Heading into last licks, he had but one hit in six trips, a 2nd-inning single. Caught looking at strike three with runners on first and second, he would have been the final out had Ryan not reached on an error in the previous at-bat.
And by now, dear reader, you surely see where this is going.
Anyone who has followed the FHSS over the last two years has seen the transformation of Bryan-Biz matchups from tightly contested pitching duels to tightly contested, Yanks-Sox, down-to-the-last-AB slugfests (ed. note: neither player wishes to be likened to the Yankees, they are used here strictly as a literary device). As part of this development, Biz has shown a disturbing propensity for being unable to pitch around last-inning errors, instead quietly seething before giving up that big hit.
This time, after his ups were saved by a single, walk, and a double, it would be Joiner who would deliver that hit, crushing a three-run bomb for the victory in an eerie replay of last years first round playoff walkoff. That was then, this was blaow.
Bizman continued to seethe, his internal monologue quoting John McClane in Die Hard 2 (How can the same sh*t happen to the same guy twice?), but he couldnt stay mad for too long because a bunch of smiling girls showed up.
Game Two featured the long-awaited reunion of the Angry Care Bearz- Killa Kanny, Fab Gab, and Jess The Best- plus the special added attraction of honorary member and stickball tease Evil T. The lineups harkened back to the good ol days of people showing up: Ryan, Bryan, Maier, Jess and Saro vs Aram, Biz, Ravi, Tara and Tina with Gab as official. Amusingly, the latter team can be identified by the acronym GRABiTT. Make of that what you will.
Five walks, two singles, and a triple later, Cannotar was down 5-0 right from the get-go. An error, six walks and a single later, we were tied at five.
Seven innings later, we were still tied at five, but two walks and an error sent Aram to the plate and he delivered, to his anticlimactic dismay, with a walkoffwalk.
The ladies, meanwhile, continued their unpredictable ways by hatching a fiendish, inexplicable plan to dine at Fridays, but not before engaging in an impromptu, ribald photo shoot that we can only link to for reasons of propriety
Game on!