Chaynz Returnz for Ravi’s Birthday
It’s A Celebration, Bitches!
By Barely Shooks
“They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time”
-The Beatles, “Birthday”
Back on May 18, the one and only Peter “Chaynz” Pattakos announced what may be the fiendiest fiend that has ever been, and will ever be, fiended. After weekends in Ohio and Greece, followed by a full three days of a new job, BrazyBraynz intended to jet to NYC, sleep at the COD, and spend June 18th in the presence of T-R-E-E, where he would continue his perpetual defense of the 2003 Salazar Cup.
His arrival at the Schoolhouse immediately rekindled a classic feud that the workaday world has sadly limited to email in recent times. Bryan happily stepped to the mound, looking to continue his amazing pitching run, teamed with Biz and Our Man Flan against Chaynz, Ravi and Warren. It should be noted that it was no small feat that the Big Dood was in attendance, as he endured an adventure from his abode in beautiful “East Williamsburg AKA West Bushwick” to the erratic J-Z train just to make it to the COD for the second leg of his journey. (Author’s Note: The legal department of this publication has advised against inserting an easy God MC putdown here.)
Biz led off and, like so many times this year, was made to look foolish in a hurry by striking out. Bryan followed with a groundout, and Pete looked as sharp as a liquid sword. Joiner was equal to the task, and both hurlers cruised through the game in this Year of the Pitcher.
Pattakos allowed an unearned run in the third and made one mistake in the fourth against Biz, who touched it up for a solo homer in what would prove to be his only hit of the game. The Tisbury Twirler also surrendered an unearned run but no more as he led 2-1 entering the eighth, but just like that- poof!- the tense game was gone. Exhibiting a grotesquely yet comically swollen pitching hand, Chaynz walked 7 of the next 8 batters and the game would end 6-1 in Bryan’s favor.
Walking no one, Joiner lowered his ERA to a sublime 1.05. Hits were hard to come by on an afternoon filled with heavy air and effective outside fielders. Bryan had two, Pete and Ravi combined for a pair, Warren’s mullet managed a double, a noticeably chewed Flan went hitless but got some choice “F*ck you”s in on Pete, and JoLoMo entertained the fans with some truly unbelievable swings and terrifically foul balls as official.
Now warmed up and realizing that his season-interrupting Australia trip is fast approaching, Joiner pulled a Biz and started the next game versus Ryan. From the “Where Have We Seen This before?” file, the game zoomed along with no score, a trend that has distressed hitters but has also unquestionably improved the quality of the games. In fact, the intensity of this game was only briefly interrupted in the third by the unheralded arrival of Furbs. His sad begging to “get in a game”, a case only weakened by his choice of footwear (flip-flops, on a day that Pete had announced his intention, just hours earlier, to start a crusade against flip-flops on men “except at the beach”), was predictably chased (literally) by Bryan, before he was shooed away as the game got back on track.
JoLoMo took over pitching duties from Bryan in the sixth and looked tremendous, adding another “roll of the dice” to his Gambler motion to great success. He only allowed three hits, but they were three straight to Flan, Ryan and Ravi in the eighth, and on this day, a 2-0 lead would be more than enough for Ryan in a performance that should not be lost amidst the great clamor and hubbub of the afternoon.
Pitching his best game in years, this was the O’Cannatar fans saw towards the end of the 2003 season, just before he was brutally murdered. A harmless fourth-inning single by Bryan was the only hit he allowed, while scattering five walks.
As the hour grew late and the day’s rep grew bigger, Game Three was scheduled as an old-school two-on-two with official affair, but soon ballooned into a 4-on-4 nail-biter.
Biz was reached for two quick singles to start the game before settling down, thanks to a chance 5-second demonstration of a new pitch by Bryan in between games. “That pitch, I don’t know, it does something. It, um, what’s the word? Moves. I’ve never thrown anything like it. Amazing.” The Birthday MZA gave up seven runs in the first two innings, while Biz got mad love for this new pitch like it was 1990 and the pitch was Paula Abdul. Like trying the same one play late in the season against the Tecmo Super Bowl computer intelligence, the Bizman was cruisin for a bruisin, and indeed, he handed seven unearned tallies right back in the next two frames. Neither team could muster any offense afterwards, and we headed to the seventh and final inning tied at seven.
In a clear display that Biz didn’t have Dave Mlicki-level stuff, he walked three straight batters with one out before bearing down, nutting up, and K’ing Ravi to shoot up the nonexistent Marmalade Award (Escaping a Jam) ballots. Like Die Hard 3, however, Ravi would come right back with a vengeance in the bottom of the inning- with the bases loaded and a chance to win it thanks to a ground-ball error, Biz meekly flied out to Warren.
But Bryan didn’t.
The vice-president, and some would say behind-the-scenes frontman, on the No Walks Ticket came up swinging and partied like it was 2004, launching an unearned grand slam that sealed the deal 11-7 for Biz. Furbs made the impact he was looking for all day when he declared it “a salaam up Ravi’s patoonga”, a phrase he immediately sought to copyright. Bryan, meanwhile, added the greeting card to his unfriendly gift- while trotting out to retrieve the ball, he was heard to whisper “Happy Birthday” to Ravi as he jogged past.
Bryan would, however, get his, and how. In one of the more unspeakable servings this journalist has ever had the dual pleasure and horror of witnessing, he approached Pete hours later at Patsy’s carrying a pitcher of water in preparation for an outstanding putdown. “I wanted there to be at least one pitcher at this table,” he would say as the crowd ooohed. But then, with nary a warning, Chaynz shot back, “You may have the pitcher, but I have the Cup.”
Oh. Snap. No. He. Didden.
Game, set, match Pattakos.
The kid’s still got it.
(ed. note: those wishing to aid in Bryan’s recovery may send emails to bjoiner@gmail.com in lieu of flowers, because flowers are for girls.)